Rock Of Ages Movie Review: - Quite A Disappointment

WE EXPECTED a lot from “Rock of Ages” and we feel sad that it’s quite a letdown. There’s much agog over Tom Cruise’s portrayal of a rock star who lives in a world of his own and, in fairness to him, he nails the larger-than-life character with his tattoos, black nail polish, fur jacket, Axl Rose bandana, his own singing, slithering and extended tongue work. But make no mistake into thinking he plays the lead role. He comes about 20 minutes into the movie, which starts with the real leads: Sherrie and Drew.

Sherrie (Julianne Hough, ‘Footloose’, ‘Burlesque’) is a ‘promdi’ from Oklahoma who dreams of being a singer while Drew (Diego Bonetta, ‘90210’) is a bartender at the legendary club Bourbon Room. When someone robs Sherrie’s suitcase, Diego helps her get a job as a waitress in Bourbon Room. Expectedly, they fall in love and theirs is the silly main story.

Tom Cruise as rock god Stacee Jaxx performs in the Bourbon Room before he goes solo and Drew thinks Sherrie made love with Stacee. He drops her and is built up by Stacee’s manager (Paul Giamatti) as a member of a boyband. Sherrie ends up as a stripper in the Venus Club, owned by Marie J. Blige.

There are three other couples in the movie. Stacee eventually hooks up with a Rolling Stone reporter (Malin Ackerman) who initially bashes him. Then there’s the city’s Mayor Whitmore (Bryan Cranston, “Drive”) whose wife Patricia (Catherine Zeta Jones) campaigns hard against rock and roll. And finally, we have Bourbon Room owner, Dennis (Alec Baldwin), and his assistant Lonny (Russell Brand), who bring the house down with their “Can’t Hide This Feeling Anymore” number that ends with them kissing each other on the lips while both wearing unbecoming wigs.

For a musical set in 1987 that ostensibly appears as a paean to 80s glam metal music of Bon Jovi, Quarterflash and Foreigner, the movie is actually quite a mess and offers nothing but cheesy covers of familiar rock ballads. Can’t we just have “Glee” instead?

Hough is really more of a dance star (she won twice in “Dancing with the Stars”) but as a singer, there’s much to be desired in her. Bonetta is a pretty boy and nothing much. Maybe they should have just let the original Broadway Drew, American Idol’s Constantine Maroulis, reprise the role on film.

Catherine Zeta Jones’ role is not in the original play but she does manage to shine in her show-stopping “Hit Me with Your Best Shot” number. It turns out she has a secret past. Too bad for Mary J. Blige she doesn’t shine at all and ends up as just another voice in the insipid chorus. Where’s Queen Latifah when you need her?

We’re actually bored by the dragging stretches in between the musical numbers. If you’re looking for a good time, then you’d have to go find it elsewhere. Maybe just watch “Mamma Mia” on DVD. Watching Meryl Streep and Amanda Seyfried sing ABBA songs is definitely more engaging than this.